There are many things that happen behind the curtain of many married couples’ bedroom that are very hard to explain.
I have come to realize that pain, anger and regrets run in the minds of many spouses due to mistreatment, assaults and rape.
There are a lot of women who are married to their spouses but they don’t enjoy the so called “marriage”. Many have confessed to be in their marriages because of a cornucopia of reasons including their children, marriage vows and most prominently, they don’t want the shame of the society.
When two different sex partners come together in the name of love, there are many expectations on each side; To be loved unconditionally, supported, cared for, protected and more so to be prayed for always.
But despite all those rosy expectation, sometimes, things do not go as planned.
“My husband raped me!” These are the exact words that she said while tears rolling on her cheek. “I am tired of this marriage and I really regret it”. Jane, as I will call her though it is not her real name, could not understand it when people say that ‘Sex is sweet’. If it is sweet, then why do I feel that pain, why don’t I enjoy it, or is it sweet only to some, what does makes it sweet? She shared with other stay-at-home mothers in the estate regarding how her husband handled her.
Jane and her husband planned to spend the rest of their lives together, but with her husband’s controlling ways turn their perfect marriage into an abusive roller-coaster ride that no woman could or should tolerate.
“Sometimes I feel like calling it off and going my way, but where do I go with my four children, will I saw them another father, and who will be there for them whenever they need fatherly counsel?”
I feel like sharing this with my parent and relatives but again “What would they even think of me?” she asks. Somehow, she suspected, such a confession would end up reverberating back to her. She would be declared the abnormal one. “My feeling is that my husband and I should both enjoy sex. But I feel like many times he is the one deriving pleasure while my job is to aide him.” Jane is a very courageous woman who represents many who are suffering silently.
Men sometimes should understand that women are not toys or baby machines that one uses to satisfy himself. They also need to enjoy it as you do. Sex is a way of worship just as we sing, pray and give in the church. Can you imagine a woman saying, “Sometimes I will do laundry in the night, waiting for him to slumber away, but he will come for me and ask me into the bedroom. When he wants it, he gets it!” This is serious, terrible and very inhuman.
Sex education should not only be a lesson to children in school but a topic to be taken seriously by men in their social gathering, be it in the church or their ‘Riika’-age mates’ gathering. When they are having drinks and nyama choma, they should invite an expert to help them understand this and apply it to heal their families.
Rape should not exist in marriage but it does. I
Sometimes it is very hard for a man to accept his weakness but those who do, they always understand the power of saying sorry to their spouses and enjoy thereafter a life full of joy and love in their marriages.
I am aware that African men are conditioned that after paying bride price you gain exclusive and automatic rights to your wife’s body. This was used by our great grandfathers as a way of sustaining their wives in the marriage even when it did not make sense.
We are living in another century whereby human rights are more observed. I therefore call upon my fellow men to apply the “collective methodology” when it comes to sex and not dictatorial power.
When a woman says ‘No’, men should understand her. She could be sick, tired or with a lot of stress in her mind; even though they should not use this as a weapon to “discipline their husbands.”
Women you need to talk it out with your spouse. Let them know when you are being raped and when you are being satisfied. If you remain calm and pretend that all is well, who will know and understand your agonies?
But you have to know when to talk about it since men are very defensive especially when they feel an accusation coming towards them. To do this, learn his love language.
Finally; and this is not limited to fellow men, there are certain things many women really want in bed that aren’t common knowledge and, for most guys, unless you ask her outright, these things usually won’t come up. No matter which way you slice it, sex is tricky. Even outside of worrying about unwanted pregnancies or STIs, getting two people on the same page about their desires, their wills, their won’ts, their cant’s, and their many shades of maybes can be incredibly tricky. Learn to learn and appreciate each other.
“Sex and Trust are two of the most important parts of a successful relationship”- Anon