There are many things that do happen behind the curtain of many married couples that are very hard to explain; leave alone explaining, but are always in the hearts and minds of the victims because it may not hold any water to the public. I understand that lifestyles are different and differs from financial instability to one’s understanding of what marriage entails.
I have come to realize that pain, anger and regrets runs in the minds of many spouses due to mistreatments, assaults and rapes. Did I say ‘rape’? Yes I meant it. There are a lot of women who are married to their spouses but they don’t enjoy the so called marriage. Many have confessed to be in their marriages because of their children, marriage vows that they made during their wedding in the church, while others are there because they don’t want to shame their parents, friends and their children to be precise.
When two different sex partners comes together in the name of love, there are many expectations on each side. To be loved unconditionally, supported, cared for, protected and more so to be prayed for always. But it may not be the case once they start living together. The use of the rings during wedding should be revisited and be researched more. ‘Till death do us part….’ Has been a very deep and needs either to be changed and apply condition in it or be completely eliminated on the process.
My husband raped me!
These are the exact words that she said while tears rolling on her cheek.
I am tired of this marriage and I really regret it.
Jane, as I will call though it is not her real name, could not understand it when people say that ‘Sex is sweet’. If it is sweet, then why do I feel that pain, why don’t I enjoy it, or is it sweet only to some, what does it make it sweet then? She shared with other stay-at-home mothers in the estate regarding how her husband handled her.
Jane and her husband planned to spend the rest of their lives together, but with her husband controlling ways turn their perfect marriage into an abusive roller-coaster ride that no woman could understand or tolerate.
Sometimes I feel like calling it off and go my way, but where do I go with my four children, will I saw them another father, and who will be there for them whenever they needs a fatherly counsel?
I feel like sharing this with my parent and relatives but again “What would they even think of me?” she asks. Somehow, she suspected, such a confession would end up reverberating back to her. She would be declared the abnormal one. “My feeling is that my husband and I should both enjoy sex. But I feel like many times he is the one deriving pleasure while my job is to aide him.” Jane is a very courageous woman who represents many who are suffering silently.
Men sometimes should understand that women are not toys or baby machines that one uses to satisfy himself. They also need to enjoy it as you do. Sex is a way of worship just as we sing, pray and give in the church. Can you imagine a woman saying,
Sometimes I will do laundry in the night, waiting for him to slumber away, but he will come for me and ask me into the bedroom. When he wants it, he gets it!
This is serious, terrible and very inhuman.
Sex education not only should be a lesson to children in school but a topic to be taken seriously by men in their social gathering, be it in the church or their ‘Riika’ age mates’ gathering. When they are having drinks and nyama choma, they should invite an expert to help them understand this and apply it to heal their families.
Rape should not exist in marriage but I hear it does. If it come across a case of this nature, my first reaction would be to have a conversation with the couple and find out the circumstances within which it happened. Sometimes it is very hard for a man to accept his weakness but those who do, they always understand the power of saying sorry to their spouses and enjoy thereafter a life full of joy and love in their marriages.
I am aware that African men are tuned that after paying bride price you gain exclusive and automatic rights to your wife’s body. This was used by our great grandfathers as a way of sustaining their wives in the marriage even when it could not make sense. We are living in another century whereby human rights are more observed. I therefore call upon my fellow men to apply the collect methodology when it comes to sex without using dictatorial power. When a woman says ‘No’, men should understand her. She could be sick, tired or with a lot of stress in her mind; even though they should not use this as a weapon to discipline their husbands, otherwise they will use force.
Women you need to speak it up with your spouse. Let them know when you are being raped and when you are being satisfied. If you remain calm and pretend that all is well, who will know your and understand your agonies? Know when to talk about it since men are very defensive especially when they are being discovered. And bringing it up out of nowhere can seem forced, or awkward, and make it seem like you’re making demands. Basically, any given moment can be open to scrutiny. So many women choose to keep their secret bedroom desires on the down-low.
Finally; but not limited fellow men, It’s just that there are certain things many women really want in bed that aren’t common knowledge and, for most guys, unless you ask her outright, these things usually won’t come up. No matter which way you slice it, sex is tricky. Even outside of worrying about unwanted pregnancies or STIs, getting two people on the same page about their desires, their wills, their won’t, their cant’s, and their many shades of maybes can be incredibly tricky.
“Rape is one of the most terrible crimes on earth and it happens every few minutes. The problem with groups who deal with rape is that they try to educate women about how to defend themselves. What really needs to be done is teaching men not to rape. Go to the source and start there.”
― Kurt Cobain